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Randy Cassingham's BlogHistorical Details and Author's Notes from This is True®
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Another Self-Proclaimed Religious Scholar
So I get this e-mail from a reader demanding to know why I make my world-famous "Get Out of Hell Free" cards available. I've written about that quite a bit over the years, so I don't intend to repeat it all here (see the GOOHF site if you're not already aware of the story. The basic answer, though, is "Because people like them.")
Anyway, William in Zimbabwe wrote:
Weekly Weird News
"I am a Christian and your GOOHF cards are leading people further into sin. (Knowing how dumb some Americans are, they probably believe they won't go to hell with those cards.) Why do people make hell look good? Just wait till you get there, then we'll see who thinks it's really good. Surely God's going to punish you for leading His Children further into sin. Oh, and when He sends you to hell, make sure you have a GOOHF card with you--not that it will help, but Satan might find it amusing!"
I asked William why he thought I was trying to "make hell look good", especially considering that if the cards enticed anyone to go in any particular direction, it would be out of hell, not toward there. He replied, "Why else would you come up with a Get Out Of Hell Free Card? It's just one big joke to you isn't it?" (Well yeah! But apparently William can't quite Get It.) He continued, "Stop trying to play games with me. You know what I mean. Why do you distribute those cards?? May God forgive you for any souls you have led astray. This matter is serious. Who do you think you are--what authority do you have to 'Get people out of Hell'? You work for Satan if you publish things like this: [the American Taliban story about Pat Robertson in last week's issue.] The people in that report are nowhere near true Christians."
So it's "Satan's work" if I write about how stupid people are who profess to be Christians, but really aren't, according to him. And he demands to know "who I think I am" to issue cards he says don't work? My, how confused the not-quite-secure-in-their-faith types can be. He established that it's OK to ask this: who does he think he is? Well, nothing more than the guy who gets to decide who the "true Christians" are. (I don't, because ...well... I guess because Americans are "stupid". Um, yeah.) It's apparently OK if I write a story criticizing non-Christians but God forgive me if I write one with the some sort of criticism of a "nowhere near true" Christian. Or, no, gee: that's not it. Or is it? Whatever. I guess he's afraid that someone, somewhere, just might be mocking him because he isn't sure what he believes. And that's terribly, terribly sad.
I get this sort of mail all the time. But at the same time, I get mail (and, yes, orders for the GOOHF cards!) from "true" Christians -- including the clergy of many, many different denominations -- who not only have a clue but are secure in their beliefs ...and have a sense of humor. Priests and ministers and rabbis from Roman Catholic to Methodist to Baptist to Lutheran to Jewish Orthodox to Pagan to whatever have the cards (and t-shirts and mugs and more) and enjoy and share them. None think it's a license to go out and steal and kill and covet thy neighbor's wife. And anyone who thinks so really needs a life.
So William, I have something for you. Send me your mailing address and I'll send you a free GOOHF card. But you don't have to worry for your eternal soul: it's stamped "VOID".
Alas, he never sent me his address. But as I web-posted this entry in mid-2008, he is indeed still reading True.
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12 Comments on This Entry
All comments in this blog are reviewed prior to being published. Spammers: don't waste your time. The posting criteria are simple: if a comment is worth visitors' time to read, it's approved. If not, it's not.
Posted by Mike from Dallas on May 17, 2008:
William certainly sounds like an Expert on how terrible Hell can be, so I have to wonder if he's speaking from experience. And what did HE do to warrant such punishment? Since we all agree that Hell is eternal, I surmise that he's now stuck there forever. Too bad he didn't have his own Get Out Of Hell Free card.
Posted by Andy, Mission Viejo, CA on May 21, 2008:
Seems to me if he is still reading True then, from his perspective, he is "flirting with the devil" and has already allowed himself to become corrupt.
Uh, oh, my bad! I was using logic there, something that clearly has no place in William's world!
Posted by terry-arkansas on May 28, 2008:
Is the seeming delight expressed by "Christians" like William at the prospect of a fellow human soul suffering eternal agony representative of Christian love and charity?
If the Gospels are true, the Saviour took so little delight in that prospect that He took that suffering upon Himself "that we might be saved" from that fate. Secondly, perhaps William would like to advise "dumb" Americans on how we can make our country as notoriously safe, free, peaceful and prosperous as Zimbabwe and other African Utopium.
Last, lighten up, buddy! Life's too long to live like that. Humor is a wonderful salve, and Christ himself used it to make a point (see His analogy of the guy with the "beam" in his eye trying to remove the "mote" from the eye of his brother!).
--With Best Wishes and Warmest Regards, A Fellow Mortal.
Posted by Randy in Seattle on May 31, 2008:
William has his theological logic exactly backwards; GOOHF Cards further the Divine Plan as follows:
1. People who avoid doing Evil only out of Fear of Hell and do Good only for the Promise of Heaven are not actually "Good"; they are merely efficient calculators of what's best for them.
2. People who are Bad, and who seek to avoid Divine Wrath and earn Eternal Bliss by doing Good and avoiding Evil, will betray themselves when they learn of GOOHF cards! With the card in hand, they stop doing Good and launch a campaign of Soul-Blighting Evil until their well-deserve End, at which time they meet the Eternal Fate of Bad people (since, after all, GOOHF doesn't let you out of the Darkness of Eternal Hell; their powers extend only to lightening a few moments on Earth.)
3. OTOH, Truly Good people may enjoy the humor of GOOHF cards (thus earning Divine Favor ... God loves a joke!) but will never do Evil even with a full deck of GOOHF TIG-welded to their souls.... because Evil is, you know, EVIL! And they'll continue to do just as much Good as before, because that is their nature.
4. Therefore GOOHF Cards help sort the Evil from the Good. Q.E.D.
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I'm not sure about your proposition that the cards don't actually work. All I know is, not ONE purchaser has returned it saying it was rejected by the devil. -rc
Posted by Duncan, South Africa on May 31, 2008:
This William fellow is obviously obtuse. If he wasn't he would realise that a GOOHF card would be very useful to him in Zimbabwe. The Zim dollar certainly won't do it, and Zimbabwe is hell on earth, isn't it? I know someone in Zim who earns a salary of 80 Billion Dollars a month. That is probably worth about fifteen US dollars on a good day.
Posted by Dan in Philadelphia on May 31, 2008:
William's need to believe in a hell reminded me of a family story about my great-grandparents who were "universalists" in the 1800s. Taking the preachings of Jesus about the love of God literally, they believed that there was no hell in the after-life and that everyone went to heaven regardless of their beliefs or actions.
The story is that a neighbor once challenged their beliefs, pointing out that, if he (the neighbor) believed as they did, he could lie, and cheat, and steal, and do anything else he wanted, because he would still go to heaven. My great-grandfather responded that "that's why there are other religions for people like you."
Posted by Steven in Denver, Colorado on May 31, 2008:
I'm confident that the correspondent William means well, but as Dan in Philadelphia mentions, there are "universalists" and, in fact, there are and have been Christian universalists from the earliest days of the church. The global reticulum is replete with websites regarding this teaching, but for "one-stop shopping" I might recommend "tentmaker.org," which has many links, articles and New Testament scriptural citations in support of this doctrine (e.g.: John 1:29, "the lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world;" I Timothy 4:10, "God, who is the savior of all men, especially of those who believe;" and I John 2:2, "He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only, but also for the whole world").
Apparently a majority of early church "schools" and a number of those best-known early Christian teachers taught ultimate universalism. A lot depends as well on the meaning of Hebrew and Greek words rendered into English as "hell" and "eternal," as understood by the Biblical writers. This site goes into all of these matters and much more. Incidentally, even the widely respected evangelical writer John Stott dared to suggest that even if one doesn't believe in an "apocatastasis," or ultimate universal reconciliation (which is considered "[Theologically] possible but not [established] doctrine" in Eastern Orthodox teachings), it is Biblically arguable that at least unregenerate souls might experience "annihilation" rather than eternal torment. As the pre-Christian Jewish sage Antigonus of Sokho wrote, there is something noble about doing "good" for its own sake rather than in hope of a reward in this life or in an afterlife, though that does not in itself preclude such gracious Divine blessings.
Posted by Charlie, Ann Arbor, MI on June 2, 2008:
The comments on historical Universalism prompt me to weigh in on current Unitarian Universalism, my "religion". Built on the twin pillars of Unitarianism (God is one, not a trinity or any other number greater) and Universalism (Salvation and and after-life in heaven for everyone), UUism has morphed into: Belief in God-optional; belief in the afterlife-optional. What is not optional, what we believe is essential to the survival of the human race is this: Every human being has value, is significant, matters. How we relate to our fellow human beings matters.
Posted by Jackie, Tacoma, WA on June 2, 2008:
"I'm not sure about your proposition that the cards don't actually work. All I know is, not ONE purchaser has returned it saying it was rejected by the devil. -rc"
This really made me laugh. You WILL let us know if this happens, won't you?
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But of course! -rc
Posted by Teresa, Clarksburg, WV on June 3, 2008:
Ya know, Randy, I think I'd like to have some of those GOOHF VOID cards. I know some people who'd enjoy them as much as the originals. As for William, he's not really worth the time to type a tirade about. SHEESH!
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Feel free to stamp VOID on the regular cards. But I disagree: this page was definitely worth the time. It was fabulous entertainment! -rc
Posted by Dave, Cicero NY on June 3, 2008:
Interestingly enough, people always seem to the "Hell" in GOOHF as religious. I've started handing these cards out like candy on Halloween to my co-workers. From the stories that I have heard about other companies, anyone who has had their company go through a conversion to SAP understands all too well what "hell" can be....
Though to an earlier comment, it sounds like Zimbabwe may be its own type of hell as well.
Posted by Dave, Austin, TX on June 4, 2008:
After reading this article, I wondered: given on what the GOOHF cards are based, have you ever considered printing a companion set of "Go Directly to Hell" cards (do not pass Go, do not collect $200)?
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Definitely. But that's not in keeping with the humorous, light, inclusionary idea behind the original GOOHF card, so I've never actually made one. -rc