Randy Cassingham's Blog

So I get this e-mail from a reader demanding to know why I make my world-famous "Get Out of Hell Free" cards available. I've written about that quite a bit over the years, so I don't intend to repeat it all here (see the GOOHF site if you're not already aware of the story. The basic answer, though, is "Because people like them.")

Anyway, William in Zimbabwe wrote:

Free Weird Newsletter

Our once-per-week weird news newsletter. Your address is safe with us.

Enter your e-mail address here:

Please let us know how you heard of us (optional):

"I am a Christian and your GOOHF cards are leading people further into sin. (Knowing how dumb some Americans are, they probably believe they won't go to hell with those cards.) Why do people make hell look good? Just wait till you get there, then we'll see who thinks it's really good. Surely God's going to punish you for leading His Children further into sin. Oh, and when He sends you to hell, make sure you have a GOOHF card with you--not that it will help, but Satan might find it amusing!"

I asked William why he thought I was trying to "make hell look good", especially considering that if the cards enticed anyone to go in any particular direction, it would be out of hell, not toward there. He replied, "Why else would you come up with a Get Out Of Hell Free Card? It's just one big joke to you isn't it?" (Well yeah! But apparently William can't quite Get It.) He continued, "Stop trying to play games with me. You know what I mean. Why do you distribute those cards?? May God forgive you for any souls you have led astray. This matter is serious. Who do you think you are--what authority do you have to 'Get people out of Hell'? You work for Satan if you publish things like this: [the American Taliban story about Pat Robertson in last week's issue.] The people in that report are nowhere near true Christians."

So it's "Satan's work" if I write about how stupid people are who profess to be Christians, but really aren't, according to him. And he demands to know "who I think I am" to issue cards he says don't work? My, how confused the not-quite-secure-in-their-faith types can be. He established that it's OK to ask this: who does he think he is? Well, nothing more than the guy who gets to decide who the "true Christians" are. (I don't, because ...well... I guess because Americans are "stupid". Um, yeah.) It's apparently OK if I write a story criticizing non-Christians but God forgive me if I write one with the some sort of criticism of a "nowhere near true" Christian. Or, no, gee: that's not it. Or is it? Whatever. I guess he's afraid that someone, somewhere, just might be mocking him because he isn't sure what he believes. And that's terribly, terribly sad.

I get this sort of mail all the time. But at the same time, I get mail (and, yes, orders for the GOOHF cards!) from "true" Christians -- including the clergy of many, many different denominations -- who not only have a clue but are secure in their beliefs ...and have a sense of humor. Priests and ministers and rabbis from Roman Catholic to Methodist to Baptist to Lutheran to Jewish Orthodox to Pagan to whatever have the cards (and t-shirts and mugs and more) and enjoy and share them. None think it's a license to go out and steal and kill and covet thy neighbor's wife. And anyone who thinks so really needs a life.

So William, I have something for you. Send me your mailing address and I'll send you a free GOOHF card. But you don't have to worry for your eternal soul: it's stamped "VOID".

Alas, he never sent me his address. But as I web-posted this entry in mid-2008, he is indeed still reading True.