Randy Cassingham's Blog

Posted by Charles, Nebraska on January 28, 2011:

To Al in Canada. It has been my experience that we do not "get over" the losses we suffer. But we do get "used to" them.

Posted by Vivian from Florida on January 28, 2011:

I subscribe to the theory from my native Cuba, "Que me quiten lo bailao," which means, "You can't take away the dance I've already danced." When I think of my deceased loved ones I deliberately remember the good times we had together, and even death can't take those memories from me. So when I think of my Papa I always smile instead of get sad. My sister, who misses Papa terribly and gets sad every time she thinks of him, argued that if I got Alzheimer's I would forget those good memories of him. True. But then I wouldn't remember I'd forgotten, so it won't be a problem!

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I suspect that deep down, even then you would remember him. -rc

Posted by "gunner", new england on January 28, 2011:

my sincere condolences to "al" who has lost his wife. my best girl and i are 74 years old and have been married 44 years, i don't look forward to her losing me, or me losing her, but it will happen someday, as it does to us all. keep the good memories al, she'd want you to.

Posted by Joan, Henderson, NV on January 28, 2011:

To Al in Canada and anyone who has lost a loved one:

There is a wonderful book called TEAR SOUP. I read it myself after my mother died and I have recommended it to many people of all ages. The most important lesson of this book is we all grieve in our own time. There is no set time when grief is done. It is done when YOU are ready, not when someone tells you it's time to stop or move on.

As Randy said, eventually it will get better. Give yourself all the time you need.

Posted by Alisa, Martinsburg, WV on January 28, 2011:

Today I attended the funeral of the husband of a dear friend of mine. Two weeks ago was my grandma's funeral that I was unable to attend -- I just couldn't afford the flight to California. I so appreciate your poignant words about the tragic things in life making us appreciate the good. Life can be a roller coaster ride of emotions sometimes but it keeps me from taking the important things -- family and friends -- for granted. After years of reading your thoughts I feel like you are a friend. Thank you for making me laugh, keeping me informed, and helping me be a better person.

Posted by Gene in Everett, WA on January 28, 2011:

As someone who was widowed at the age of 40 (she was 5 years older), and having talked with a lot of people with similar experiences through support groups and one-on-one, you never really get over it. What you do is get through it. Or you don't. But if you don't you get stuck, and that's not healthy, either mentally or physically.

Al, you are free to grieve for as long as you need to. You are also free to move on when you are ready. Anyone who judges you either way is a meddling busybody and you can tell them so for me.

Posted by Bob - Hawaii on January 28, 2011:

Very good advice, Randy. I am a retired clergyman who has been a Chaplain at the local Hospital and the Chaplain for a Hospice group so I have a lot of experience in dealing with death. I have also lost two wives, my parents and many friends. Your words of advice are right on. Most people never get over the death of someone close to them but it does get easier as time passes. The mourning period is at least one year because there are a lot of birthdays, special days, etc. that one must get through. And sometimes something will remind us of the deceased and the grief hits us hard again. Thanks for your good words.

Posted by Charles, Nebraska on January 28, 2011:

Vivian from Florida, I agree with you. My first wife died of cancer when we were 40. My kids and I always try to remember how very lucky we were to have had her in our lives as long as we did.

Posted by Mark, Texas Creek, CO on January 29, 2011:

Important words, well written.

While only those of us who've "been there" can understand at the same level, EVERYONE can (and should) help.

RC: I can't even imagine how many people you help. Thank you.

And, yes, after 32 years in EMS I've NEVER seen a hospital support EMS the way Denver Children's does (from another volunteer rural CO EMT!)

Posted by Len, Ontario on January 29, 2011:

Regarding 'Al', from Alberta, your comments were excellent.

The warm and thoughtful suggestions for handling his situation should be used by everyone going through the same tragic scenario.

Do I have your permission to use this copy for use in my volunteer Cancer Patient Driver service?

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I'd rather you pointed people to the page so they could read, and post, comments. -rc

Posted by Phillipa, Montreal on January 29, 2011:

I lost two sisters within two years, one of them by suicide. Grief comes and goes and returns and dissipates according to its own pattern. It doesn't necessarily follow the stages or schedules that well-meaning people tell you about. In my experience, the best medicine for grief is a combination: tincture of time plus whatever it takes to get through the day.

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My EMT instructor likes to say "The body didn't read the manual," or more simply, "Everyone is different." So true. -rc

Posted by Jackie, Tacoma, WA on January 30, 2011:

Thank you for your comments on grief and grieving. I think that one of the saddest lacks in our culture is the lack of proper grieving time and rituals. In Romania, for example (where I lived for 4 1/2 years), you have specific rituals (a special meal, for example) that you perform at various points over the next few years (mostly in the first few months and then at certain anniversaries [I think every year for the first 5 years or so, although I don't remember for sure since it's been a bit since I returned to the States]). This gives people an official outlet for dealing with their grief, which I think is very healthy.

When I experienced my first serious death (my mom when I was 9), my whole life was destroyed. I've since come to think that this is the case for most deaths of people we are very close to. Life as we know it, life with that person, comes to an end. This doesn't mean that we stop living, or that we can't continue to have many wonderful experiences after this; it does mean, however, that this death, loss of relationship, potential change of status (married person to widow[er], for example) will have profound effects on us for the rest of our lives, and that our lives after the death will never be the same as what we had before. It's not something where you mourn for a week or a month or two and then you're better.

Posted by Chris, Indiana on January 30, 2011:

I am a mental health counselor here in the Midwest - and I work with clients who are dealing with grief on many levels. One of the things that constantly comes up is the American belief that we can avoid death, and/or that "good" people can avoid bad things happening to them. I often find myself challenging both of those concepts so that my clients (and I) may accept the fact that bad things happen for no reason, it's not God's punishment for something we may or may not have done, and it's up to us to figure out how to live gracefully in the aftermath.

I am frequently struck hard by how often I can see that the Divine Creator (use whatever name you want here) has placed good, supportive, loving people in our lives years before we're aware that we're going to need them. Losing someone we love is one of the most difficult things we'll ever have to survive, and it is up to us to decide how we want to live. I have experienced multiple losses in my life, the most painful and most recent was the death of our son, 3 1/2 years ago. Phillipa is so right on when she says there are no stages, and there is no "right" way to grieve. Some days I'm fondly thinking of funny things my son did and some days, I'm so angry at him for dying, and some days I'm so overwhelmed by the pain of not ever getting to touch or talk to him again that I can't breathe around the pain. And yet, to be able to see the support I get, to be able to find the path through the dark times is a skill we all need to learn and then teach to our children.

We are never the same after a death, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be destroyed.

Posted by Lynn, Wisconsin on January 31, 2011:

Four years ago tonight, I was woken up by a phone call telling me that my mom had died. I agree, you never "get over" it, but you do get through it in your own time. Everyone is different and will deal with the grief in their own way.

The important thing is to deal with it and not shove it down and bury it. I ended up with panic attacks because I thought I had to be strong for my family, not realizing that they were afraid to grieve because I was hiding it, and they were afraid of upsetting me.

One of the most important things you can do in the grieving process is to talk about the person who is gone. Find someone who is willing to listen, or start a journal. As long as we remember the good things, the person will still be a part of our lives and the hole left behind won't seem quite so dark. Of course, some days are harder than others like anniversaries and birthdays.

Posted by Mike in Orange Co, CA on January 31, 2011:

Having spent over 38 years behind the badge as a cop, I've seen my share of tragedy, much of it personal, most on a professional basis. Losing a loved one is not something one gets over with time, but they can get through it. I can only hope that I managed to help a few people along the way, as others helped me.

Posted by John, Albany NY on January 31, 2011:

"Yeah, life does go on after a loss..."

Sometimes, I think that's the hardest part. When you experience a loss like that, you wonder how it's possible that life for everyone else just keeps going along as if nothing happened.

Sympathies to Al and the other posters.

Posted by Bernard in Brisbane, Australia on January 31, 2011:

Chris in Indiana - that last sentence of yours is very true.

Having lost three premmie children in the past few years, I found that, of all things, my love of nature documentaries was a big help - particularly the excellent BBC ones narrated by David Attenborough. Having watched many of them over the years, they gave me a profound appreciation that death is a natural part of life. I particularly remember one segment where a group of elephants paused in a journey to caress the bones of one of their herd who had died several years earlier.

Personally, it made it a lot easier to get through the immediate grief, and hold on to the good memories (and it also amazed me that there *could* be good memories coming out of an event like that). While some of the sadness remains, I also feel a warmth when I think of those children. They will always be with me, and I feel privileged to have met them.

Posted by Juli, Colorado on January 31, 2011:

It has been almost 20 years since my daughter died of leukemia, there are still days when I miss her so much that I can barely get through my day. The pain is something that time eases, it doesn't take it away. I still remember her philosophy, "Life is rough, then you recover." and I still try to live up to it.

Posted by Jim, Fairfax, VA on February 1, 2011:

I agree with the comments that each of us has to get through (NOT over) a death in our own time and in our own way. I have lots of experience to back his up. My dad died when I was 15, I buried a son when I was 24, a wife when I was 45 and my mom whan I was 48.

Anyone who has been through similar experience will tell you that each one was different and yet each was in some ways exactly the same.

I miss all of them terribly and while it may be trite, life does go on and while I am in this world I must continue to be a fully functioning human.

Posted by jennifer in Florida on February 1, 2011:

Randy, I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a patient you've tried to rescue or save - especially if it's a child. In your kind of work, the entire episode plays out in a very short time, and you either win or lose and that's that. I'm sure you and your coworkers each have a different personal way of dealing with those situations, but none of them can make it anything short of heartbreaking. I can only guess that sometimes, God takes them so they won't have to deal with too much pain and suffering in living.

Most people don't ever get over the loss of a loved one, but thankfully the terrible pain is eventually replaced by fond memories, and that will be a comfort forever.

Posted by Joshua, California on February 1, 2011:

Thanks for writing such a wonderful post, for all the work you do as an EMT and an author, and for creating a publication so wonderful that a post like this draws beautiful comments like so many people have already written.

I'm fortunate enough that this discussion makes me thankful that I've never really had to go through any of that kind of grief. The closest I've had was losing the dog I had from age 2 to 8, and a grandmother I was particularly fond of. Yet another thing to remind myself not to take for granted. Thanks for the reminder.

Posted by Patty, Texas on February 1, 2011:

I totally agree with your comments. You will never 'get over' the loss of someone close to you, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't move forward. Unfortunately, some folks have a more difficult time than others moving foward. I lost my Dad 32 years ago, and some days it seems like yesterday. That's the nature of the heart, I guess. The Director of Bereavement Services has an amazing outlook, and is obviously in the right job for her. I know some folks who could use her talents -- too bad they are too far away, and won't take any suggestions from family about these issues. We all have our challenges, don't we?

You have been blessed with a gift of presenting facts/stories/thoughts in such a way that your readers can't help but look at things differently once you show us the way. And I'm eternally grateful that there are stupid people out there so you can continue on this journey with the rest of us!

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Yes, Geri is perfect for her job. She has done other things at the hospital, but realized that she's good at helping people deal with the after-death part of hospitalization. It doesn't mean you don't have bad days sometimes -- everyone does -- but I can attest that there's not too many things in life that are better than being paid to do something you have a passion for, and do well. -rc

Posted by Olen, California on February 1, 2011:

I really appreciated your "Psychic Pay" story, and I thought you might be interested in this resource for the idea of remembering our loved ones who have died: "Remembering Lives: Conversations with the Dying and the Bereaved" by Lorraine Hedtke. It's a great book, and she also has one written for children to help them cope with loss.

Posted by Wesley; Ashland, Oregon on May 7, 2012:

Randy, this is very powerful for/to me, especially regarding what Geri does. I welled up when I immediately and automatically started thinking about how one might go about it. "Tell me about the last time [lost loved-one] made you laugh... Tell me about the last time you held her/him close."

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Yeah: you can see how that could be a REALLY tough job -- as well as a truly fulfilling one. It takes a special person to want to try it! -rc