Randy Cassingham's Blog

Posted by Charles, Nebraska on January 28, 2011:

To Al in Canada. It has been my experience that we do not "get over" the losses we suffer. But we do get "used to" them.

Posted by Vivian from Florida on January 28, 2011:

I subscribe to the theory from my native Cuba, "Que me quiten lo bailao," which means, "You can't take away the dance I've already danced." When I think of my deceased loved ones I deliberately remember the good times we had together, and even death can't take those memories from me. So when I think of my Papa I always smile instead of get sad. My sister, who misses Papa terribly and gets sad every time she thinks of him, argued that if I got Alzheimer's I would forget those good memories of him. True. But then I wouldn't remember I'd forgotten, so it won't be a problem!

---

I suspect that deep down, even then you would remember him. -rc

Posted by "gunner", new england on January 28, 2011:

my sincere condolences to "al" who has lost his wife. my best girl and i are 74 years old and have been married 44 years, i don't look forward to her losing me, or me losing her, but it will happen someday, as it does to us all. keep the good memories al, she'd want you to.

Posted by Joan, Henderson, NV on January 28, 2011:

To Al in Canada and anyone who has lost a loved one:

There is a wonderful book called TEAR SOUP. I read it myself after my mother died and I have recommended it to many people of all ages. The most important lesson of this book is we all grieve in our own time. There is no set time when grief is done. It is done when YOU are ready, not when someone tells you it's time to stop or move on.

As Randy said, eventually it will get better. Give yourself all the time you need.

Posted by Alisa, Martinsburg, WV on January 28, 2011:

Today I attended the funeral of the husband of a dear friend of mine. Two weeks ago was my grandma's funeral that I was unable to attend -- I just couldn't afford the flight to California. I so appreciate your poignant words about the tragic things in life making us appreciate the good. Life can be a roller coaster ride of emotions sometimes but it keeps me from taking the important things -- family and friends -- for granted. After years of reading your thoughts I feel like you are a friend. Thank you for making me laugh, keeping me informed, and helping me be a better person.

Posted by Gene in Everett, WA on January 28, 2011:

As someone who was widowed at the age of 40 (she was 5 years older), and having talked with a lot of people with similar experiences through support groups and one-on-one, you never really get over it. What you do is get through it. Or you don't. But if you don't you get stuck, and that's not healthy, either mentally or physically.

Al, you are free to grieve for as long as you need to. You are also free to move on when you are ready. Anyone who judges you either way is a meddling busybody and you can tell them so for me.

Posted by Bob - Hawaii on January 28, 2011:

Very good advice, Randy. I am a retired clergyman who has been a Chaplain at the local Hospital and the Chaplain for a Hospice group so I have a lot of experience in dealing with death. I have also lost two wives, my parents and many friends. Your words of advice are right on. Most people never get over the death of someone close to them but it does get easier as time passes. The mourning period is at least one year because there are a lot of birthdays, special days, etc. that one must get through. And sometimes something will remind us of the deceased and the grief hits us hard again. Thanks for your good words.

Posted by Charles, Nebraska on January 28, 2011:

Vivian from Florida, I agree with you. My first wife died of cancer when we were 40. My kids and I always try to remember how very lucky we were to have had her in our lives as long as we did.

Posted by Mark, Texas Creek, CO on January 29, 2011:

Important words, well written.

While only those of us who've "been there" can understand at the same level, EVERYONE can (and should) help.

RC: I can't even imagine how many people you help. Thank you.

And, yes, after 32 years in EMS I've NEVER seen a hospital support EMS the way Denver Children's does (from another volunteer rural CO EMT!)

Posted by Len, Ontario on January 29, 2011:

Regarding 'Al', from Alberta, your comments were excellent.

The warm and thoughtful suggestions for handling his situation should be used by everyone going through the same tragic scenario.

Do I have your permission to use this copy for use in my volunteer Cancer Patient Driver service?

---

I'd rather you pointed people to the page so they could read, and post, comments. -rc