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Since 1994, this is the 1061st issue of Randy Cassingham’s...
Putrid Pussers: After a full year of duty aboard the Royal Australian Navy ship HMAS Newcastle, a seaman was “expecting trouble” since he knew departing crew are often hazed. “When leaving the ship it’s a navy tradition where everyone gets a little beaten-up and bruised,” he testified, and sure enough, the night before he disembarked, fellow crewmen jumped him. They went well beyond good-natured fun, however. He was hog-tied, his pants were pulleddown, and, after being lubed up with deep heat gel and Vegemite, he was raped — with a rubber chicken — in front of an audience of 30 other seamen. After that, they tried to jam the rubber chicken into his mouth, but “It didn’t go into my mouth because I bit my lip,” he said. The unnamed victim was left in a shower, suffering from chemical burns. Four crewmen, all with the rank of Able Seaman, were court-martialled, charged with indecent and sexual assault. In thetrial, the defense attorney accused the victim of making up the “ridiculous story” to get compensation. “No sir,” the seaman responded. “I’m not that much of a sick person that I’d make something like that up.” (RC/Sydney Morning Herald, Australian AP) ...Good answer.
Life as a Punching Bag: Andrew Whitaker picked up his girlfriend from work, and they got into an argument because she was “highly intoxicated,” according to the resulting police report. Tammy Hiser, 34, works as a stripper at a club in Daytona Beach, Fla. They were staying at a nearby hotel, but before they could get there Hiser allegedly started punching Whitaker in the face. Once he parked, he ran to their room with the woman in hot pursuit. He ran into the room, and bythen Hiser had allegedly grabbed a fire axe, and threatened to hit him with it if he called the police. “Her coordination was terrible so she was just slushing around,” he said, and he was able to get the axe away from her. As he went out to call police, he says, she resumed punching him in the face. She was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, even though Whitaker doesn’t want to press charges, he wants to marry her. “I see spending therest of my life with her,” he said. (RC/Orlando Sentinel) ...Which might be shorter than he thinks.
These Kids and Their Rock and Roll: Chloe Rubiano, an 8th grade student at Ramay Junior High in Fayetteville, N.C., was sent to the office because of her shirt. “I just really like the shirt because I was always raised that way,” Rubiano said. “I didn’t really think anyone would make a big deal out of it.” The school disagreed, though, and Rubiano was made to remove the shirt because of its “sexual content” — because the shirt says“Virginity Rocks” on the front. Rubiano’s mother, Bambi Crozier, was upset about the decision until a friend gave some perspective. “If you have the right to say ‘Virginity Rocks’, you also have the right to say, ‘Sex Rocks’. And, I’m like, ‘Oh, Lord, he is right’,” Crozier said. (MS/KFSM Fayetteville) ...And Lord knows we shouldn’t teach that to our children.
Lesson in the Real World: The Patriot Java Shop at Patapsco High School in Dundalk, Md., teaches cognitively disabled students job skills as baristas. It’s won a grant for innovation and been profiled by a local TV station. “Nothing we have ever done has given them so many gains,” said teacher Dana Evans. Students who had been isolated in a special-needs classroom got the chance to move through the halls and interact with schoolmates. But the Maryland StateDepartment of Education isn’t impressed. “Health professionals do not believe that serving caffeine to high school students promotes their well-being,” it said, defending the application of its new policy banning selling coffee in high schools during the school day. Parents feared the program would have to close completely, but Steve’s Frozen Chillers, of Florida, donated a slushie machine, and now the school plans to transform Patriot Java into Patriot Chillers.(AC/WBAL Baltimore, Baltimore Sun) ...Classes at 7:45 a.m., and caffeine sales are banned. Sorry, did someone say someth’ ’bout well-being?
Everyone Wants to Be a Critic
Rabid Bat Attacks, Bites Oregon Man Jamming on Guitar
KVAL Eugene, Ore., headline
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This Week’s Contributors: AC-Alexander Cohen, RC-Randy Cassingham.
I Can’t Help But Wonder if any schools in Maryland are making money from students by selling cola or other caffeinated drinks (ref the story, “ Lesson in the Real World”). Or do they just think the kids’ “well-being” can only be served by highly sugared drinks, such as slushies? How about (duh!) having them use decaf coffee instead? It sounds like the real “cognitively disabled” folks in thisstory aren’t the students, as per usual....
For Those Who Might Wonder, “pusser” is slang for a seaman in the Royal Australian Navy, much like the American Navy’s enlisted are called “squids” or “swabbies”. Yes, the real rank of all the men involved is Able Seaman.
As This is Going Out, I’m just getting home from speaking at a conference in beautiful ...Florida! I didn’t anything particularly weird going on, but I’ll bet something pops up in my news feed soon that happened near where I was staying! :-)
You know what I don’t understand? Why hotels think everyone wants down comforters on the bed. It seems to be a common trend, but even in Florida? It was 90 degrees (32C) the day I got there, and very humid. And sure enough, the hotel had a down comforter on the bed. Even with air conditioning, I can’t handle much more than just a sheet covering me at night. I can’t imagine how overheated I would be with a comforter. Ugh!
Eight More Stories: Man actually tries to walk from Florida ...to Bermuda. Italy orders army to grow marijuana to make it cheaper ...to undercut the mafia. Man arrested for an unsuccessful robbery ...for the second time of the same place. Mayor who was banned from all area pubs has a new job: on pub licensing board. Motorist profiled by police as drug user ...because he plays Frisbee golf. SWAT team removes children from house because ofsupposed danger — and then the kids are given right back. Details of scam withheld to “protect the business’s privacy.” Man arrested for opening the door to fundraising cub scouts while holding a sword. It’s not too late to read all of these stories: just ask for your upgrade to start with the 12 October issue, and get more stories every week!
The Latest Posting to Jumbo Joke:
Ten Years Ago in True: Principal decides zero-tolerance drug policy even extends to helium: Airheads.
No Honorary Unsubscribe this week, not because of my travel, but because I’m not seeing anyone that meets the qualifications — yet.
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