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Since 1994, this is the 1034th issue of Randy Cassingham’s...

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6 April 2014: Another EMS StoryCopyright ©2014

Randy Here with a Quick Message: I could really use your help. This is True’s paying readers, who get all the stories each week, are slowly declining — people die, move on, or change their address and forget to update their subscription. So I must constantly push for new folks to step in and upgrade, since subscription fees make up 85 percent of True’s budget. This free edition has four stories eachweek, while Premium is much more concentrated: it has a minimum of 10 stories — with no outside ads and no pitches to upgrade (like this!) I could use your help to support True with a Premium subscription upgrade.

The other 15 percent comes from sales of “stuff” like the book collections of past stories (Volume 2 is finally back in stock!), Get Out of Hell Free cards and related goodies, or even my gorgeous nature photographsand notecards. It all helps keep True going. Can’t afford to buy something? You can help by telling your friends about True so it continues to grow; this page has several ideas on how. Thanks for doing what you can. -RC

Don’t Panic: Rod Sommerville, 54, was working in his yard in Yeppoon, Queensland, Australia, when an eastern brown snake bit him on the finger. His son was sleeping on the couch, but Sommerville didn’t want to wake him and make him panic. “If you panic it makes it worse,” he said. Instead, he killed the snake with a shovel, called an ambulance, went to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and sat and waited. “I said to myself, if I’m going to cark itI’m going to have a beer, so I got a Goldie out of the fridge and drank that,” Sommerville said, “’cause you know eastern browns are the second most venomous snake in the world.” He spent four days in intensive care, and remains hospitalized with kidney damage, but is still very much alive. (MS/Rockhampton Morning Bulletin) ...Venomous snake: Australian for “reason to get a beer.”

A Big Case: When Heath Forsey poured a $7 large beer into the cup for a $4 small beer at an Idaho Steelheads game, it fit. So his girlfriend, Gwen Gibbs, posted a video about it to YouTube. Eric Trapp, president of the Steelheads and the Boise arena where they play, promised to order larger large cups (“We should have been more attentive,” he said) and Gibbs said they should be called the “Heath and Gwen size.” Case closed? No: four other fans have filed alawsuit over the cup sizes. They want $10,000 in damages. (AC/AP, Idaho Statesman) ...Trapp offered to settle for $5,714, repackaged as $10,000.


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Revolving Door III: Shawn M. Chavies, 40, was allegedly on his way to do a drug deal in Stroudsburg, Pa., when he ran out of gas. “They’re selling like hot cakes, yo,” Chavies had told the buyer. “If you want some you better hurry up.” When Chavies didn’t arrive for the deal, the buyer called him. “Hold on, I’ll be there,” he replied, explaining he found two men to push him to a filling station. The buyer — an undercover cop— arrested Chavies there. Why was Chavies in such a hurry to unload his drugs? He was due in court to be sentenced after being convicted in an earlier drug case. (RC/Allentown Morning Call) ...They just never learn — that the real money is in gasoline.

A Very Slow Protest March is Planned: The Annual Zombpocalypse, otherwise known as the Zombie “Festerval” and Preparedness Expo, won’t be coming back to Tacoma, Wash. The first two years were so successful, the organizers wanted to hold the third in the Tacoma Dome, the covered city-owned arena used for concerts and other events, which holds up to 30,000 people. But Dome management laid down the law: no Nerf guns or other toy or replica firearms, no knives, and nocleavage. (“No cleavage? If that’s a rule, we sure didn’t see anyone enforcing it at the Miley Cyrus concert in February,” the local newspaper notes.) “We treat everyone equally,” insists Dome Director Kim Bedier. “Dead or alive.” The zero tolerance toy gun rule seems to be the main sticking point, though — that, and scheduling conflicts, what with the upcoming Gun Show scheduled at the dome. (RC/Tacoma News Tribune) ...And sure enough,the organizers promised there will not be any toy guns there.

Woman Allegedly Set Car on Fire after Man Refused to Buy Her a McFlurry
WFTV Orlando, Fla., headline

Did You Find an Error? Check the Errata Page for updates.

This Week’s Contributors: MS-Mike Straw, AC-Alexander Cohen, RC-Randy Cassingham.

Seven More Stories? Well Heck Yeah! This week you missed: Man arrested with drugs and a loaded gun just one hour after being released from prison. Man released from prison has a specific destination in mind immediately commit a robbery (and that’s not even the funny part). Man loses lawsuit, so naturally when he sees his opponent walking on the street, he.... The funny part about the man stealing mobility scooters is how he getscaught. Man burned by online fraud scheme gets sweet revenge in a clever way. Man solves his animal problem in a uniquely Florida way. And you’ll never believe who asks 40 top lawmen to leave the state capitol, and why. A full year of expanded issues is just $30. Details here.

My Latest “EMS Story” Started in a Most Unusual Way: with my wife, Kit, loudly asking, “Randy?! Are you OK?! I’m calling 9-1-1.”

My eyes popped open to give me a view of the floor, and the memory of what happened flooded back. It was Sunday, and I was in the middle of writing this week’s stories; I had grabbed a bite to eat while working at my computer at the dining room table. My first bite got stuck in my throat. Luckily, Kit was in the kitchen, and I got her attention with a gesture. I grabbed my water and tried to wash the obstruction down, but it didn’t work and the blackness started closing in on myvision. I moved to get onto the floor for two reasons: to use gravity to hopefully keep the blood in my brain, and to make it a much shorter distance to the floor if I collapsed. And that’s the last thing I remembered before dropping to the floor, unresponsive.

Let me back up a bit. Continues on my blog.

The Latest Posting to Jumbo Joke: The Old Man, the Boy, and the Donkey.

Ten Years Ago in True: Police spokesman might have been a little too honest: Catch Me If You Can.

Drapes, Shades, or Blinds?

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This Week’s Honorary Unsubscribe goes to Charles S. Stone Jr. A newspaperman and columnist, Stone also taught journalism. But before that, he was....

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