Fornigate

President Clinton is not terribly convincing when he denies having a "sexual relationship" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. A Cable News Network/Time magazine poll taken just after the charges came to light finds that 48 percent of Americans believe he did have an affair with her. Just 31 percent think he didn't; 21 percent are unsure. A parallel CBS television network poll found 41 percent said the charges were "probably true" while 21 percent thought the charges were "probably untrue". Clinton has steadfastly insisted the charges are false. (UPI) ...However, he has offered to pay Monica's dry cleaning bill.

Leading By Example

After a briefing on the coup in Haiti, U.S. Representative Corrine Brown (Democrat from Florida) said President Bush's policy for the country was "racist" and engineered by "a bunch of white men." That didn't sit well with the president's man she was berating, Assistant Secretary of State Roger Noriega. "As a Mexican-American, I deeply resent being called a racist and branded a white man," he told her, but promised that he would "relay that to [Secretary of State] Colin Powell and [national security adviser] Condoleezza Rice the next time I run into them." Brown, who is black, said she was "absolutely not" apologetic for calling Noriega white, telling him "you all look alike to me." (Jacksonville Times-Union) ...Racism: an appalling slur on humanity, unless committed by a black Democratic politician.

Proof The Terrorists Have Won

Girl Scout troops in Martin County, Fla., decided to have a Mother's Day "scavenger hunt" at the Treasure Coast Square Mall. Fathers would accompany their daughters and go "window shopping" for items on the hunt list, marking them off as they spotted them, and then shop for a nice present for Mom when they were done. At least 150 father/daughter pairs signed up, but mall management wouldn't allow the hunt, citing "security" concerns in the post-9/11 world. "Since Sept. 11, we have looked at our security procedures very closely," said mall spokeswoman Rachelle Crain. First, "How do we know they're Girl Scouts?" she said of the uniformed 5- to 18-year-old girls. But, more importantly, "Our enhanced security prohibits us from hosting events that allow participants to wander freely around the mall area." (Stuart News) ...Right. Their dads could whip out a concealed credit card or something.

We Recognized His Plastic Smile

"Our mujahideen ... have managed to capture the American soldier John Adam after killing a number of his colleagues," an Al Qaeda web site said in Arabic, claiming it had captured a soldier in Iraq. It even posted a photo of the soldier, bound and at gunpoint. But "no units have reported anyone missing," said a Pentagon spokesman. A spokesman for Dragon Models USA has cleared up the mystery: the photo shows an action figure, "Special Ops Cody", which the company sold in stores in Kuwait. Even the rifle shown is a toy, and included in the package. "Everything the guy is wearing is exactly what comes with our figure," says the spokesman. (Reuters, AP) ...The Pentagon spokesman said they plan to pay a ransom, "as soon as we can find a few Monopoly games."

Live From the Loo

CNN's Live From show carried a speech by President George W. Bush live. It was a great opportunity for the show's host, Kyra Phillips, to pop into the restroom. She was still wearing her wireless microphone, and the show's audio technician apparently didn't notice Phillips' trip to the loo was carried live. "My husband is handsome," she boasted to an unidentified stall mate, overriding the president's words. Her brother is great too, she said, but "His wife is just a control freak." Finally, someone alerted her that her words were going out on the air and she turned her mic off. CNN issued an apology, while Phillips went on the Late Night with David Letterman show to give her "Top 10 Excuses" for the gaffe. (AP) ...No doubt her words will be remembered far longer than the president's -- at least by her sister-in-law.

Land of the Free

In 2003, Californian Emiliano Gomez Gonzolez was pulled over in Nebraska. State troopers searched his car and found $124,700 in cash in a cooler in the back seat. Gonzolez said he had tried to buy a truck with the cash, but it was sold by the time he got there, and he had hidden it in the cooler to avoid robbery. But a police dog detected traces of drugs on the money, so police confiscated it. Gonzolez was not found in possession of any drugs, and he was not charged with any crime. A federal court ruled police had to return the cash, but the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals recently overturned that decision, saying that because the money "may have been" the proceeds of a drug deal, the police could keep it. (Associated Press) ..."Equality Before the Law" --Nebraska's state motto.

Home of the Brave

In 2003, the Pitchfork Records store in Concord, N.H., was raided by police. Owner Michael Cohen was arrested. The charge: pirating music; 500 CDs were confiscated. But disk after disk turned out to be legitimate, and he was eventually tried on only one charge of piracy. He was acquitted when the judge determined even that CD was legal. Yet prosecutors refused to return the confiscated CDs. Cohen appealed all the way to the state Supreme Court, which ruled that the state government can proceed with destroying Cohen's legal property. (Manchester Union Leader) ..."Live Free or Die" --New Hampshire's state motto.