Weirdest True Stories of 2009
This is True has been publishing since 1994, presenting odd news with off-the-wall commentary by Colorado humorist Randy Cassingham. Since its launch This is True has been the leading online "weird-but-true news" newsletter. This page is here to hold two stories from our weekly line-up of 7-9 new items -- the weirdest stories of the month. At the end of the year, the weirdest stories will be voted on by our Premium subscribers.
Weekly Weird News
We publish new stories with commentary every week -- use the form at the left to subscribe to get them as they're issued.
The line-up of 2007's weirdest stories is here.
2008's weirdest stories are here.
For 2009, You can skip directly to January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September....
We started off the year with some great stories from Down Under:
Women's Parts
Australia's Advertising Standards Bureau has announced the most-complained-about ad in the country last year was for the Kotex "U" line of feminine protection products. The ad features a woman and her beaver -- a furry, bucktoothed dam-building rodent, that is -- trading on the common nickname women use for their body part "down there" (as the ad puts it). The TV spot shows a woman taking her beaver to the beach, the beauty salon, lunch at a nice restaurant, and other places, and advises women, "You only have one of them, so look after it." Despite the complaints, the ad didn't breach the ASB's code of ethics, and was allowed to continue. (Sydney Telegraph) ...Just wait until this year's ad debuts, featuring kitties.
and
Grounded
Herman Sakaria, the director of a security company, was on his way home when he saw two young men obscuring the license plate on their car in Rodney, New Zealand. The duo then put plastic bag masks over their faces and socks over their hands, and went into a store. Sakaria parked his car to block their getaway. When the store owner chased the would-be robbers away without any loot, Sakaria was there to intercept. "I grabbed them," Sakaria said, "disarmed them and took them to the ground, restraining them until police arrived" -- by sitting on them. As a passerby took a photo of the scene, one of the 16-year-old boys caught sight of an onlooker and said, "Oh s--t, there's my mum!" (Rodney Times) ...In an ideal world, delinquents would indeed be more afraid of their parents than the police.
The first story made an excellent video of the week segment.
The first nomination for February was also in New Zealand, and also made an especially funny video segment:
Keystone Criminals
Regan Reti, 20, and Tiranara White, 21, had each finished court appearances in Hastings, New Zealand, when officers led them out to return them to jail -- handcuffed to each other. That's when "they made a bolt for freedom," said Hastings police Senior Sgt. Dave Greig. "They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park." The dullard duo were outpacing the officers, but "that's where they met the pole," Greig said -- a lamp post. Reti went to one side and White to the other, and "it was all over, rover." Once back in custody, each blamed the other for going to the wrong side. Both were charged with attempting to escape custody. (Wellington Dominion Post, AP) ...They were doomed from the start: bad guys are always on the wrong side.
and
And PMS Boosts It to a Felony
A deputy patrolling a hotel parking lot in Fort Pierce, Fla., stopped a car with two teens in it -- the hotel had complained about kids cruising through to do drugs. Sure enough, the deputy smelled pot smoke billowing out of the car he stopped. Driver Elisha L. Yanulaque, 18, said she had been addicted to ecstasy and other drugs, but now only smokes marijuana. She even admitted to snorting cocaine with a "straw", which the deputy found in her car. The tube was not the sort of thing someone would use to drink soda: it was a tampon applicator. In addition to charging Yanulaque with drug possession, the deputy added a charge of possession of narcotics equipment. (Fort Pierce Tribune) ...Politically savvy women knew it would come to this: "Use a tampon, go to jail."
It's somehow fitting that both the nominated stories for March involve animals:
That They're Known as the "Beehive State" is Weird Enough Already
A bill introduced in Utah will help in "maintaining Utah's status as the go-to state for late-night punchlines," as the Salt Lake Tribune editorialized, has passed the state senate. It makes it a crime for anyone but state wildlife officials to provide birth control to animals, "so don't even think about handing out condoms to those randy mountain goats," the newspaper said. But the bill passed unanimously and is awaiting the governor's signature since it has a serious purpose: to keep anti-hunting groups from trying to reduce animal populations to the point where they can't be hunted. Meanwhile, the Tribune notes, "PETA volunteers will have to talk rutting Utah game animals into practicing abstinence" -- which "works so well for teenagers." (Salt Lake Tribune) ...Nah. PETA would just kill the animals so hunters couldn't.
The tagline, of course, is a reference to the earlier PETA kills animals story.
and
Hide in Plain Sight
A customer at a pizza joint in Palm Coast, Fla., complained about how his calzone was prepared. Rather than fix it, Richard Phinney says, the restaurant owner pistol-whipped him. When police arrived, owner Joseph Milano, 40, claimed Phinney attacked him, and noted that unfortunately, his security cameras had already been turned off for the night. When officers checked the cameras, they discovered the attack had been recorded, and it showed Milano had attacked Phinney. When confronted with that evidence, police say, Milano admitted the attack and was arrested for assault. And then it gets interesting: a newspaper reporter checked Milano out and discovered that he is actually Joey Calco, a mafia hit man for the Bonanno crime family who is in the federal Witness Protection Program after helping the feds bust his boss. The name of his restaurant: Goomba's. (Daytona Beach News-Journal, New York Daily News) ...The name of his next restaurant: Moron's.
Readers this month were particularly taken with the first story, wondering how the guy in the first story could ever think no one would notice his fakery, and they loved the tagline in the second.
D'oh!
Game wardens in Vermont were fairly suspicious of a trophy buck that Marcel Fournier, 19, had shot. It wasn't a buck, but rather a doe. So how did it come to have a 10-point rack on its head? Fournier had bolted it to the slain deer's head, and had a photo taken with him and the "buck". When confronted, Fournier admitted the deed. "He used epoxy and lag bolts recessed into the rack," said game warden David Gregory."There were enough people with experience around here who could see that [it was fake]," he said, and turned him in. Fournier was assessed a $400 fine, jailed for 10 days, and lost his hunting license for at least three years. (Burlington Free Press) ...And will be infamous online for life.
and
Down and Dirty
A police officer in Saanich, B.C., Canada, was dispatched to a parking lot to investigate a report of "suspicious persons." When he arrived there was no one to be seen, but he could hear noises in a trash dumpster. He looked inside to find a couple "intertwined" among the trash and "oblivious to his presence." The 30-year-old woman and her 26-year-old companion were ordered out. The man was arrested on an unrelated warrant, and the woman was told to go home. (Victoria Times Colonist) ...So she shrugged and got back into the dumpster.
The video version of the first nominated story (featuring clips from the commercial) brought heavy viewership:
Filmed in Black and White
The commercial for The Red House, a furniture store in High Point, N.C., may look like it was filmed in the 1960s, but that's part of its design, says Link Neal, who helped write and produce the 90-second spot. Each shot was purposely done "in an awkward way," Neal said. In one shot an employee jumps on a sofa he describes as "perfect for a black person ...or a white person." Another jumps on a bed and proclaims, "This mattress is perfect for a white person ...or a black person." And a pair of singers dressed in 70s garb proclaim The Red House is "where black people and white people buy furniture!" -- to which an employee adds, "And Hispanic people too" and another who says "And all people." (Greensboro News-Record) ...Not good enough: Asians are suing.
(Amazingly, a lot of people thought that Asians really are suing, not realizing that the Tagline is simply Randy's comment on the story, just like on every other story published over the past 15 years.)
and
Bad Habits
Seventeen men dressed as nuns were arrested on the Greek island of Crete. "They were dressed like nuns, carrying crosses, but wearing thongs under their skirts and showing people their bottoms and the rest," a police officer testified at the resulting trial. Because they were taken immediately to court in Iraklio, the 17 men, all from Britain, appeared wearing their nun's habits, on charges of indecent exposure and offending religious symbols. But when no witnesses showed up to testify that they were offended by the sight, the court ruled all 17 men innocent and released them. (Reuters) ...Go, and sin no more.
(Readers were more in touch with that tagline -- especially the ones who really know their Bible verses, who realized just how apt that comment is!)
This month's nominated stories both have to do with stupid politicians -- which is just one degree away from stupid criminals.
Tantrum
Andrew Mizsak Sr. of Bedford, Ohio, was fed up and called police on his son, Andrew Jr. His son wouldn't clean up his room, he said, and when told to, Andrew Jr. threw a plate of food across the room. The police report noted that the father told the responding officer "Andrew [Jr.] is 270 pounds and he can't fight him, that they do everything for Andrew and he doesn't even pay rent." However, the report continued, "Andrew ...was crying uncontrollably and stated he would comply." -- and case closed. Andrew Sr. is 63 years old. His son is 28 -- and is a member of the Bedford School Board and a freelance political consultant. Andrew Sr. refused to press charges because "I don't want to ruin his political career." Andrew Jr. commented: "I know this looks bad." (Cleveland Plain Dealer) ...Well, at least he's not completely delusional.
and
Fair Share
JoAnn Watson, a Councilwoman in Detroit, Mich., only paid $68 in property taxes on her west side home this year, and the bill has been in that range since the year 2000. Neighbors in comparable homes pay $2,000 to $6,500 per year. When a newspaper discovered the shockingly low assessment, it called her for comment. "All I know is I had a big drop when my house got hit hard by a tornado," she said. A tornado? When was that? In 2002, she said -- or maybe it was 1993. Watson admits she noticed when the tax bill dropped dramatically, and said she "was kind of insulted" by the city's valuation of her house at $1,658, but "came to the natural conclusion my house isn't worth much any more." Still, in 2002, she managed to get a $60,000 mortgage on the property, and still didn't question the assessment. The city blames a "clerical error," and according to state law can only recover three years' worth of underpayments. (Detroit Free Press) ...Hopefully that will still be enough to fund a recall election.
In July, one of Randy's favorite themes, the Freaks of Nomenclature (people with names that strangely echo their profession or actions) joins another popular theme: zero tolerance:
Freak of Nomenclature, Automotive Division
I am a victim of the handling characteristics of the car," explained an attorney from Portland, Ore., to a judge in Clatsop County Court. The "prominent" lawyer brought a PowerPoint presentation to show why he should be found innocent of speeding when he passed a slow motor home. "I decided I was going to move from the last spot in this line to the first spot in this line," and punched the accelerator on his BMW 535xi, which goes from 0- 60 mph in about 5.6 seconds. That's when he was able to "immediately perceive" he had gotten the attention of a state trooper, who cited him for driving 76 mph in a 55 zone, which he said was "a big disappointment." At the end of the two-hour trial, Clatsop County Circuit Court Judge Philip Nelson remained unimpressed and fined the attorney, C. Akin Blitz, $182. He had been cited by Trooper David Corkett. (Astoria Daily Astorian) ...C. Akin. C. Akin Blitz. Blitz, Akin, Blitz! C. Trooper Corkett. C. Judge Nelson Gavel "Guilty!" And C. Everyone Smile.
and
Selective Enforcement
When Brad Young, 44, the softball coach at Walkersville (Maryland) High School, hosted an end-of-season party for his team, his house became an extension of Frederick County Public Schools property, the school district says. And since some of the parents brought beer to the party -- no students drank it, Young didn't have any, and no parents became inebriated -- the coach violated the district's "zero tolerance" drug-free, alcohol-free and tobacco-free policy for having alcohol on "school property" and has been fired. Young was a coach at the school for five years, and since he has another job as a financial planner, donated his school salary to his team -- buying them uniforms and jackets, equipment, and throwing parties. In that time he said he was never given a copy of the school policy that would have made his house school property because he was engaged in "official duties." Young says such a policy could apply just about anywhere. "The superintendent could be at a Chamber of Commerce meeting sitting next to someone with an alcoholic beverage," Young said. "She's there in her official capacity as school superintendent and she's representing the school system. Is she in violation of this policy and will she get fired?" A district spokeswoman refused to consider the scenario, saying only "I'm not going to interpret policy." (Frederick News-Post) ...Then I will: Yes, and No.
The second story was subject to a major update in September.
August's stories were chosen because they brought huge reaction from readers:
Knuckle Sandwich, To Go
When a 5'-11" robber weighing 235 pounds hit a Subway sandwich shop in Houston, Texas, the gal behind the counter wouldn't have any of it. "When the register opened, he lunged over and grabbed it," said clerk Yava Matthews. "My initial response was to hit him. So I hit him." The shocked robber fell back against a wall, but then realized he had the cash drawer in his hands and made a break for the door. "I jumped over the counter and then jumped on him," Matthews said. "A lot of people were standing around and I told them to give me something. Somebody brought me some handcuffs, so I got him and I handcuffed him." But the robber still struggled until someone handed her a Taser. "I am Tasing him and he says, 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe'," Matthews remembered. "I said, 'If you can talk to me, you can breathe. So be quiet before I Taser you again." At that, the robber started to cry, and about then police arrived and arrested Tracy Armstead, 29, for attempted robbery. (KHOU-TV Houston) ...He's 5'-11" and 235 pounds? You know, Subway has a wide variety of low-cal, low-fat choices.
(Readers were amazed that bystanders had handcuffs and a Taser, but not a gun -- in Texas!)
and
This Is Why There's a Rule
Donna Munson, 74, fed dog food to bears around her mountain home near Ouray, Colo., despite 10 years of pleas from state officials to stop. "It got to the point where she never opened her door for us, allowed us on her property or answered her phone," a state Department of Wildlife spokesman said. Munson even built a wire fence around her porch so she could hand food through it directly to the bears. Munson's handyman arrived to find her outside her home -- being eaten by a bear. Responding sheriff's deputies killed it, but Munson was already dead. Several other aggressive bears in the area have had to be killed this summer, and wildlife officials say they'll likely have to kill about a dozen more: they've lost their natural feeding instincts and instead approach humans when they're hungry. "More bears are going to be killed because of what this woman did," said an angry local. "It's a bad situation, and people are not happy about it." (Ouray Plaindealer, Denver Post) ...A fed bear is a dead bear.
(This one was a local story for Randy, and he blogged about the details, with an update after a huge number of comments -- including from Munson's niece and daughter.)
September's weirdest illustrate the dangers of compulsive/addictive behavior in a way that realy illustrate's True's slogan: "Truth is Stranger than Fiction because Fiction Has to Make Sense."
Got A Light?
Christopher Sandberg, 34, pleaded guilty to arson by criminal negligence after police found him sitting in his truck in Regina, Sask., Canada, with a propane canister. Police know Sandberg as a "huffer" -- he's addicted to breathing propane. As officers were talking with him, Sandberg lit a cigarette; the resulting explosion sent both officers flying. They weren't injured, but Sandberg suffered second-degree burns over more than 10 percent of his body. After his arrest, Sandberg was released on bail on the condition that he not possess any sort of pressurized canister, but he was found passed out in a park a month later, with a propane bottle next to him. His attorney pleaded for probation so Sandberg can overcome "all of his addictions" -- especially propane and cigarettes -- but the judge ordered him to jail for 14 months. (Regina Leader-Post) ...Sentencing Guidelines: Cigarette addiction: shrug. Propane addiction: probation. Simultaneous propane and cigarette addictions: jail.
and...
His Hobby Stinks
Four years ago, Gary Moody was found wearing waders, hip-deep in the waste pit of a ladies outhouse in New Hampshire's White Mountain National Forest. Moody said he was searching for his wife's lost wedding ring, but investigators didn't buy it and filed charges. A federal judge spared him jail, ordering him to get psychiatric treatment instead. Recently a camper in Maine, a few miles from the New Hampshire border, said that she went into a pit-toilet restroom and "a man popped up out of the hole leading to the waste vault," according to court papers. "The man [said], 'Sorry about that, I was getting my shirt.'" Sure enough, it was Moody, now 47, who faces three new federal charges. Moody admits he never got the ordered psychiatric treatment and has waded in outhouses "on more than the two occasions when he happened to get caught," an investigator says, but "expressed anger toward society because of how he was treated after he was found in the pit of a national forest outhouse in 2005," causing him to suffer "extreme embarrassment." (New Hampshire Union Leader) ...But apparently not enough to stop doing it. Let's hope he's embarrassed enough this time.